Nightmare or new start
by Sweetylove30
Summary: My take on what happened after the end of 4x10. Jane blame Lisbon for what she did. Sorry, I'm bad at summary.


Hi every one, this is a repost of my story. A friend of mine helped me with my translation and I hope this time the story is better.

Let me know what you think.

Enjoy,

**Sweety**

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**Nightmare or new start**

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A sleepless night, again. Jane couldn't get to sleep, but he didn't really look forward to it. He didn't want to see all these faces covered with blood, he never wanted to hear these cries, tears, pity voices he knew too well. Whenever he closed his eyes, he saw his wife, his daughter, and all the poor victims of Red John. He could not stop seeing them and hearing them, each time he tried to sleep. While he no longer sought, he would just close his eyes and rest without actually sleeping, lulled by the sound of fingers tapping on keyboards, the ding of the elevator every time the doors opened or closed, the sound of footsteps in the hallways and offices. Most importantly, he let himself be lulled by the sound of Lisbon's voice who gave her orders or simply talking to her colleagues. Only she really managed to help him relax and forget his nightmares.

However, tonight, he was alone in his attic, with nothing to distract him, nothing to hunt the images that haunted him for far too long already. He didn't know what to do to forget, he didn't know what to do to be normal, to live like everyone else, to sleep at night, like everyone else. It was only his memories, memories that were fucking his income while he didn't want it, when he had wanted to flee to the forget and build a new life. A life he thought was right to live in after all these years of suffering, that second chance that was offered to him. But again, he had to face the facts, it was not possible, he had no right and he should do with that fact.

He still remembered that night, only two days ago, or two evenings, when Lisbon had led him in his place in Malibu, the place of his family tragedy. She had wanted to help him; she had wanted him to understand what was truly his life, which he refused to remember. She didn't give him a choice, she had almost forced him to follow and he did. But now, he wondered why he had done it, why he had followed her when he could well leave and start a new life elsewhere, where no one knew him. However, he had followed and he knew why. Lisbon has always been there for him and even if he didn't had his memories, he felt within himself, a special link there was between them, he had felt at once when he had opened his eyes in the hospital, when she would sit at the foot of his bed and asked him how he was. He felt it was important to him even though he could not remember his name or not this link. His heart knew that his mind had forgotten.

That evening, his memories had returned, like a wave of despair and sadness in seeing that smiley painted on his bedroom wall, above the mattress that served as his bed. He had not wanted to believe at first, but the simple phrase of Lisbon, these few words from her mouth in a low murmur had made him understand that it was real and that this was the same reality that he had wanted to escape. He had said nothing, he had not cried, he just bowed his head, waited a moment and was gone, leaving the woman alone in the corridor, not knowing what to do. He had not seen her since, blaming what she had done to him, forcing him to relive what he had refused to remember.

Two days he had not seen her face, two days he had not heard her voice, two days he had not felt her perfume. Why? Because his anger towards her was still there and he could not forgive her for breaking his chance, his one and only chance to live a happy life without regrets, without difficulty, his hatred, revenge. She had stolen that chance that would not represent to him ever again. He didn't understand why she did that when she claimed to be his friend, he didn't understand what had prompted her to make him relive the worst moment of his life. Therefore, he refused to see her when she asked about him, referring friends and colleagues so brutally that he was certain they would not return anytime soon. He remade exactly what he had done a year earlier; he did everything to get away from them, or rather away from her. He just wanted to protect them, he just wanted them avoid too much trouble when it would satisfy his revenge, because he knew all was not finished, far from it.

But tonight he felt so alone, that he did one thing, remember her sincere smile, those emerald eyes, hear the magic voice, remember Lisbon. It was vital for him, even if he refused for two days. This woman had won a place in his heart when he no longer thought it possible, she had entered it without realizing it and now she wanted to leave. But could he blame her? He had done everything for years to approach her, he had flirted with her, without ever really pushing the thing, just for fun. But what he thought to be only a game became much more without neither of them see that coming. What could he do now? He had only two solutions: first, try to forget Lisbon, try to stop his life without thinking about it, starting as he had planned to do. The second, go and see and apologize, make her understand that he blamed himself for everything and he needed her. But did he really need her? Above all, she had needed him? He couldn't really tell.

Jane rose from his bed and went out of his attic, walking toward his colleague that he had not seen for far too long. He did not know what he would say, he did not even know if she would talk to him, or even if she was still there. But he had to try his luck. She had picked up his only chance to live normally, but he realized now what had took the woman to do so. For years she had watched over him without complaining, well not really, he had taken the opportunity to have it as a normal life because she had to watch that it does not make a stupidity. Could he forgive himself for what he had done to her for so long? Can she forgive him?

He went down the elevator and walked down the hall, throwing little glances in the bullpen, noting the absence of all his colleagues. It was late, all were at home and it was quite normal. But a light caught his eye, an office a little further and he felt his heart beat faster. She was there and he could no longer walk back, he had to go and conquer that this situation could not continue. He was hurting, but he knew that Lisbon also suffered, she had never wanted anything else but help him and she had thought that it was the thing to do for him. He had blame her but not anymore, now he blamed himself because he had failed to see what it really was. If Lisbon had helped his memory back it was not for him but for her, because she did not want to see him go. He was so angry against her he had failed to see what she had done for him, but now he saw it and he had to do something for her and for him.

The mentalist walked a little more toward the office, his steps slower every second, the fear of rejection, fear that she did not want to talk to him. He was hard on her without even talking to her, precisely because he refused to talk to her. It was walled up in a heavy silence whenever he was in her presence, that was why he was not with her, or with others, he could not stand the tension. But now it was this absence that weighed him and he did not want it to last longer, so he must be explained with Lisbon. He wanted to make her understand what she had tripped him, she had to know the harm she had done but well. He could not continue to flee, he could not continue to blame her for having only tried to help him remember his life.

Jane stopped at the door, one hand above the wrist without daring to ask. He still hesitated, he did not know how he could be forgiven when he could not forgive himself. He had no idea he would one day be so angry to hurt people, using them as well, using Lisbon. Because it was what he had done for years, he had used to wreak vengeance and she had attached to him, far more than he thought it possible. He had always done everything to push the people, not to be loved. But Lisbon had not reacted the way he wanted, so he tried to push her a little more in blaming her for having brought back his memory. What he had not planned, it is that it would fasten to this woman and that he would not bear the rejection. Now he had to change the context, it should find favor with his boss, his colleague, his friend. He needed her in his life, not just for revenge, but for what it represented, stability.

He opened the door and noises, sobbing, came to his ears and he blame himself a bit more. He had gone too far this time, he had trouble in Lisbon, far more than he wanted to do, more than he thought even one day be able to do to someone. He had made her cry when all he wanted was that she hates him, he did cry and now he felt his own tears running down his cheeks. The wet furrows slipped into his neck and finished their race on his shirt. To hear her cry broke his heart and he entered fully into the office, he approached the woman in a sudden impulse he thought he could not have him. He dropped to his knees before her, placing his hands on her cheeks to see her face.

**- oooo -**

Lisbon looked up at him, not really understanding what he wanted after the way he had treated her these days. She had tried to help her see more clearly, to remember his former life, to bring back Angela and Charlotte in his memory. She did not think he could blame her as he could drive it away and without regrets. Since he nearly died before her eyes, since she had seen him inert, so pale, so calm, something had changed in her and she did not know how to return to her previous life. But this life before Jane, she did not want it, she wanted more. She had learned to live with him, but above all to live for Him. He was everything to her, even if she would never tell him, he was so importance for her and his rejection was much worse than he could imagine.

The woman let her eyes fall on the face of her consultant, his blond curls falling over his forehead, to his nose so often beaten, then his mouth out of which so much nonsense come out, to finish on his eyes glistening with tears. She raised her left hand which traced the same path as her eyes, running over his face so sad that shook the heart more. This was what she did not want to see, sad to see him cry. She never wanted to see him like this and she regretted having brought back his memory, for without it he would still be happy, unaware of what had been his life before the attempted murder, unaware of the tragedy that had affected his family . How could she forgive what she did? How could she forgive to suffer so much? But even worse, how he could he forgive her?

Lisbon let her hands fall on her knees, bowed her head, refusing eye contact with Jane, that look that would make things worse. It would make her understand the pain she had inflicted and she did not want to face it, even if it was not loose, this time she preferred to do nothing. But a hand made her look up. She struggled as much as possible, trying to do so loosen its grip on her, but he was stronger than she thought. He did not relax, however, he pressed his fingers on her face and forced her to confront her eyes. Why? To make her understand that she is wrong? To make her understand that what she thought was just as pure selfishness? She already knew, she was angry already for what she did.

She finally let her eyes meet those of Jane but what she saw shook her heart more. She did not find hatred, or anger, but sadness, as a sort of cry for help, a call so hard that her tears redoubled. She could no longer contain them or even to stop them, and felt his hands slide down her cheeks to wiped them away. Why? He did not blame her when she blame herself so much?

« Don't cry for me Lisbon, » he begged, « I'm not worth it. »

But his words made it even worse. He did not see how important he was for her? He did not see how she felt for him, this man who called himself able to read people? He could not even read her, see what she had in her heart, she refused to let hit out of fear. But it was her fault, it was all too well concealed and sometimes she imagined that there was nothing in her heart. She so much wanted to tell him, she wanted so much to make him understand. But she could not do, she had no right. The heart of this man could not be hers.

Jane's hands never left her face and she wondered why he made her suffer that way, making her taste what she had always dreamed of having but could never have. It was too difficult for her, why didn't he see that? Did he not see what his hands did to her?

She closed her eyes, savouring the sweet sensation because she knew she would never have it again. It was the first and the last time, but she wanted to Enjoy it as much as possible. But the sweetness he showed, she would never forget, and she knew she could not bear the separation she knew inevitable.

« Jane please, stop it,» she whispered, her eyes still closed.

« What?» He asked in a whisper.

« Your hands, remove them from my face,» she said.

« Why?»

« I… Don't ask me why, just do it.»

Jane did what he was asked and he suddenly felt emptiness in his heart. The woman immediately regretted the warmth of Jane's skin on her, the sweetness of his action but let him see nothing. She should be strong if she wanted to overcome what would happen. He didn't say anything at all, but she knew he could not stay, not when she had done so much, the pain which she had promised to protect him.

« Lisbon…» He tried.

« Don't Jane,» she cut him, « I know you'll leave, so don't make me suffer anymore.»

« Leave? But why… why would I leave?»

« I have hurt you Jane, by bringing your memory back.»

Jane stepped back and Lisbon felt tears flowing her eyes again.

« You have brought back my Memory, yes. But it was necessary and I thank you, even if I'm too late. If I came here is to apologize.»

« What?»

« From the pain I have inflicted on you while pushing. You did nothing else but help bring back my family in my Memory and my heart.»

« But Jane…»

« I blamed you, I admit, but after I remembered that I also put you in danger,» he explain. « I didn't want something to happen to you so I isolated myself. Not because of you, but because of me.»

« Why would you do that Jane?» she asked, well aware of what scared him.

« Red John is still alive Lisbon, I could not bear it if he took you from me, is why I wanted to get away from you.»

« I'm a cop Jane, I can take care of myself, I can protect myself. Nobody will take me.»

« He will, he always does,» he sighed while lowered his head.

« He has no reason to take me more than anyone else. We all are in danger because we took this case.»

« But it's different for you Lisbon and I will not allow him to take you.»

Lisbon vaguely understood what he meant, at least she wanted to believe that was what she hoped for so long. But she should not, she had to do with the idea that it was a crazy hope and forget it. But the intense gaze Jane gave her seems so sincere, so scared she ached for him. She didn't want him to feel compelled to leave because of her, because of the fear that he and she understood perfectly. This fear she knew, she also felt in her heart whenever Jane spoke of revenge. She was afraid that it leads to death, she wouldn't have to face the pain that would cause, she cared too much for him to let him do that.

The woman was afraid that Jane does something stupid, that his fear lead him where she knew she would never see him again. She could not make him change his mind, he had made his decision and he would not change, but she could still try, just as she had done for years. He had never heard, he never obeys her orders, but she would still continue because she has hope, hope that he would see what crazy life can offer him better than his revenge. She wanted him to see the pain which he thought to himself by his rejection was nothing compared to the harm he would do to her by continuing his quest.

Lisbon slid from her seat and found herself on her knees, facing Jane, his eyes inked on hers, her hands grabbing and squeezing his fingers firmly. She wanted him to see in his eyes what he was doing, she wanted him to see the pain he was inflicting, and that better reflect the path he was taking. So he could read it, then he would see, and maybe, yes maybe ... but she dared not believe it. Yet, her heart, her hope grew as the tears rolled down on Jane's cheeks. She saw him raise his hand and put it on her cheek, like a few minutes earlier and she closed her eyes, not refusing the sweet attention this time.

Jane slid his fingers on Lisbon's cheek, redrew the outline of her face, lingered for a moment on her closed eyelids before going down on her lips. The hand of the woman joined his and she joined their fingers. He closed his eyes, invaded by all sorts of emotions that he tought he could not feel again, feeling so strong that he felt the walls around his heart fall gradually, leaving his love for the woman out and he opened his eyes, forcing Lisbon to do so, before turning to her. He saw her eyes widen in surprise, but she did not move, she stood there, waiting for this gesture as she dreamed. She let her eyes into his, showing him that she wanted this as much as him and when their lips finally touched, she felt happier than she had ever been in her life. Her fingers tightened on those of Jane while with her free hand she encircled his neck, pressing herself against him, flattening her breasts against his chest, awakening in her unknown sensations.

Jane's second hand came to rest on her neck, then sliding to her chest to finish at the same place as he felt her heart pounding beneth his fingers. Beats intensified when his tongue played with the lips of the woman who opened to give access to her mouth. Their tongues found, tasted, caressed with love and tenderness. Began a dance, a dance that neither one nor the other wanted to stop, but the need for air was stronger and they were forced to depart. Their foreheads met, as their mouths before them, eyes still closed, taking their breath. Jane had opened up for Lisbon, as he had never done since the death of his wife, he had rediscovered the sweetness of the lips of a woman, the tenderness of a caress, happiness feeling Lisbon's heart beat for him. He was so happy that fresh tears rolled down his cheeks, mixing with those of Lisbon.

« Teresa, it's dangerous, » he managed to say between sobs.« Not as much as revenge, » she replied, a lump in the throat. « You don't want to lose me, but have you considered what I'll feel if you satisfy your vengeance?"« I… » He could not find the words because he had never considered this possibility, he had never thought Lisbon tried to dissuade years not because it was not justice, but because she was afraid for him. He had never seen it that way, but now he had to admit she was right. After the kiss, he was aware of her feelings for him, he realized his own feelings for her. He also realized that he would not let her suffer as he had suffered the loss of his family, he didn't want her to suffer as much as when she had lost her mother and her father.

He took the woman in his arms, who propped her head against his shoulder, her around the waist with his arms, so strong that it felt like she wanted to stop him from far away, that she wanted to keep him with her forever. He could only understand, himself din't want to lose her, but he realized that by acting as he did then that is what would happen, he would lose. He had to make something of his life, he could not go on forever, he should not continue to live in the past. He loved this woman and she loved him, so why not start today?Jane stepped back to look in Lisbon's eyes. She looked up at him and his eyes glistened with tears too long contained and now refused to stop flowing. He wiped them away before getting up, taking with him his boss and friend to the couch where they took place. The mentalist continued to hold her hand, refused to let it go.

« Lisbon, Teresa ... I'm sorry that I made you endure that, I'm sorry for making you suffer like I did. »« Jane ... »« I thought that if you walk away from me I could protect you, but I realized that I suffered as you have. »« You thought to be the best. »« But I did the wrong thing and maybe you would never forgive me but ... »« I've already forgiven Jane, if not we would not be here right now. »

Lisbon smiled at him, making him understand that what she felt for him would always help her forgive him, that what she felt for him was stronger than the anger she had felt during the previous two days. Yes she had suffered, yes she had blamed him, but yes she loved him with all her heart and because of that she would always forgive him. But there was one thing she would never forgive him, if he chose Red John, that she could never forgive him. She just wanted him to realizing it, she just wanted him to realize that she loved him more than she had ever loved anyone. He had entered her life without wondering what he would do in its path, he came one day and now she no longer blamed him, she wanted to keep him.

Jane thought for a moment, he knew perfectly well that Lisbon wanted, but he was not sure of being able to give it to her, he did not know if he could put an end to the revenge that had kept him alive for so long, he did not know if he could rebuild his life knowing that the man who had destroyed his family was somewhere outside, ready to start. His feelings for Lisbon were strong, much stronger than he thought and he hesitated when the choice. This woman was so special, so strong, so fair, so sweet. How could he forgive himself from this hunting, leaving her behind? She had always done everything for him and he had never really done anything for her. But plunging his eyes in hers, seeing the sparks that blazed this hope she had, her heart sank and he knew what he had to do.

He had always had a dark side in him since his childhood and he knew it. Angela was able to bring some light in him, she succeeded in making him a happy man, forgetting his past to build a future, she offered him life, family, love. And had he lost all of that because he had failed to leave his past behind him. He always regret. But Lisbon arrived and did the same thing Angela did, she brought this light. He could not make the same mistake, he could not destroy that work. He knew then that his choice was made, he could no longer live in the shadow, he needed this light, one that Lisbon brought him.

The mentalist hugged the woman in his arms, making her understand that his choice was made, that this would be his life with her, he needed her to not let the shadow return in his heart and soul. He needed her and did not remake the mistakes of the past. He felt the arms of the woman surrounded his waist and her head nestle into his neck. They had a choice, and they would both ensure that it works. With each other, they find a way to permanently remove the shadow of their hearts to leave only the light.

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**The End.**

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So, better or worse?

Tomorrow I will post a new story, called _**Lost in the woods**_.


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